Diving In
___
In this page(s) I am going to investigate my personal psychological state, my being.
At the moment the most important inputs are the work of Gerlach and Tibetan Buddhism.
Both tibetan Buddhism and Gerlach are very analytical in their approach to psychological well-being;
Analytical in the sense that dissect the working of the mind (Buddhism) and our psychological/emotional X.
Not sufficient explanation.
Maybe what I mean is that both Buddhism and Gerlach suggest a plan to take, steps to do.
I am taking steps now.
This page will be report.
Addiction
Addictions are methods, tools, to deal with Psychosocial pain
My addictions are:
Do I deny ?
I don't think so.
Are my Addictions progressive?
Gerlach: Addictions are progressive
Addictions are progressive; initially pain is reduced by the addiction, but
when the effect drains off - more pain comes >> Higher ,heavier use of the Addiction substance
https://youtu.be/TgENqeyehRM?t=383
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In a way - they are.
My sexual fantasies get darker with time. Or - maybe they are not,
oh, yes they are. I can imagine my self doing things, get horny, by acts I wouldn't have dreamt of in the past.
Nothing big, though - :-)
I can imagine myself being pissed on and drinking the urine of someone I love.
As an act of devotion; as an act of becoming one; as in having the other completely within me.
I isolate myself more. Have a virtual life to substitute normal life.
But this is also due to my sickness.
Pain - I am aware of my Psychological Pain addiction.
My psychological pain can be described in my case as longing for what there is not,
not being able to love or to feel loved by people with whom I have an ongoing relationship like
my children and my friends.
In a way - my Addictions are not progressive.
They are where they are. I wish I could have a less virtual life :-)
Moments of happiness:
As a child, my grandfather's home at the village, sun, sand, trees to climb on, boys to play with,
flowers to water,
family, friends who come together each weekend, each holiday.
Sea, waves, riding horse on the back of the neighbour's grandson, who was my age.
I love family gatherings, I love lots of people around me to whom I feel I belonged.
Pain addiction and Art:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
20/02/2019
Little brother:
We, we are the artists, the blessed, the cursed.
Little brother, you know so many things about us,
No, we should not talk about it, we mustn't.
We are the blessed, the cursed.
Never enough, never good enough, never stopping, never resting.
Homesick, a lifelong of being homesick, of wandering through our lives - never getting there,
never really fulfilled.
We miss our life, while living it;
We dream our life with open eyes;
Never here, never now.
Slow running on the same spot.
Little brother,
Another one, another one, another one,
Never expressing what we must express, therefore we try again
and again
and again
Exhausted, bankrupt, empty.
Yet, once again, our eyes Wide Open,
seeing nothing, seeing everything,
we must create.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Addictions:
to daydreams
Avoiding contact - virtual life
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My personality:
Premise: my personality is a mambojumbo of inner personalities, with different interests and different needs, different jobs.
I intend to describe those children with the aim to feel my feelings. All the feelings I can analyse, talk about,
understand - but I cannot feel them.
Blablaing -tong, wet mouth, never ending mumbling brain,
my body is catatonic; my heart is blocked.
I am learning to feel, Warm sun light on my body,
Son 2 hugs me, I want to feel him,
but I feel the distance between us,
while we hug each other. His distance from me,
my heart keeps me distant from him. He is wearing his coat and rucksack
on his way.
My inner kids:
Scared child:
scared, scared, scared.
I am sitting on the toilette, dad in hitting mum, I am 12 years old
my underpants round my enkels
I ran away and hid myself in the small toilette,
screaming, shouts, sounds of dry
I am scared.
I am ashamed
Later, my aunt laughed me out "Ha, ha, I heard you hid yourself in the toilette"
she chuckles.
This was the description:
now try to feel:
lonely child
little adult
shamed child
sad child
playful child
defiant child
lost child
selfish child
jealous child
rageful child
awed child
needy child
guilty child
naive child
hurt child
loving child
creative child
good child
lusty child
aggressive child
infant / fetus
In this page(s) I am going to investigate my personal psychological state, my being.
At the moment the most important inputs are the work of Gerlach and Tibetan Buddhism.
Both tibetan Buddhism and Gerlach are very analytical in their approach to psychological well-being;
Analytical in the sense that dissect the working of the mind (Buddhism) and our psychological/emotional X.
Not sufficient explanation.
Maybe what I mean is that both Buddhism and Gerlach suggest a plan to take, steps to do.
I am taking steps now.
This page will be report.
Addiction
Addictions are methods, tools, to deal with Psychosocial pain
My addictions are:
- Busy Busy Busy: mind and body, never rest, never relaxed
- Food - but I have this one quite under control, foremost carbohydrates
- Computer / internet
- Pain
- Disassociation through thinking about Future / Things to be done / Virtual relationships
- Relationships - have this one quite under control, but could be better.
- Isolation
- Art - or dreaming on making Art. Self expression
Do I deny ?
I don't think so.
Are my Addictions progressive?
Gerlach: Addictions are progressive
Addictions are progressive; initially pain is reduced by the addiction, but
when the effect drains off - more pain comes >> Higher ,heavier use of the Addiction substance
https://youtu.be/TgENqeyehRM?t=383
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In a way - they are.
My sexual fantasies get darker with time. Or - maybe they are not,
oh, yes they are. I can imagine my self doing things, get horny, by acts I wouldn't have dreamt of in the past.
Nothing big, though - :-)
I can imagine myself being pissed on and drinking the urine of someone I love.
As an act of devotion; as an act of becoming one; as in having the other completely within me.
I isolate myself more. Have a virtual life to substitute normal life.
But this is also due to my sickness.
Pain - I am aware of my Psychological Pain addiction.
My psychological pain can be described in my case as longing for what there is not,
not being able to love or to feel loved by people with whom I have an ongoing relationship like
my children and my friends.
In a way - my Addictions are not progressive.
They are where they are. I wish I could have a less virtual life :-)
Moments of happiness:
As a child, my grandfather's home at the village, sun, sand, trees to climb on, boys to play with,
flowers to water,
family, friends who come together each weekend, each holiday.
Sea, waves, riding horse on the back of the neighbour's grandson, who was my age.
I love family gatherings, I love lots of people around me to whom I feel I belonged.
Pain addiction and Art:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
20/02/2019
Little brother:
We, we are the artists, the blessed, the cursed.
Little brother, you know so many things about us,
No, we should not talk about it, we mustn't.
We are the blessed, the cursed.
Never enough, never good enough, never stopping, never resting.
Homesick, a lifelong of being homesick, of wandering through our lives - never getting there,
never really fulfilled.
We miss our life, while living it;
We dream our life with open eyes;
Never here, never now.
Slow running on the same spot.
Little brother,
Another one, another one, another one,
Never expressing what we must express, therefore we try again
and again
and again
Exhausted, bankrupt, empty.
Yet, once again, our eyes Wide Open,
seeing nothing, seeing everything,
we must create.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Addictions:
to daydreams
Avoiding contact - virtual life
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My personality:
Premise: my personality is a mambojumbo of inner personalities, with different interests and different needs, different jobs.
I intend to describe those children with the aim to feel my feelings. All the feelings I can analyse, talk about,
understand - but I cannot feel them.
Blablaing -tong, wet mouth, never ending mumbling brain,
my body is catatonic; my heart is blocked.
I am learning to feel, Warm sun light on my body,
Son 2 hugs me, I want to feel him,
but I feel the distance between us,
while we hug each other. His distance from me,
my heart keeps me distant from him. He is wearing his coat and rucksack
on his way.
My inner kids:
Scared child:
scared, scared, scared.
I am sitting on the toilette, dad in hitting mum, I am 12 years old
my underpants round my enkels
I ran away and hid myself in the small toilette,
screaming, shouts, sounds of dry
I am scared.
I am ashamed
Later, my aunt laughed me out "Ha, ha, I heard you hid yourself in the toilette"
she chuckles.
This was the description:
now try to feel:
lonely child
little adult
shamed child
sad child
playful child
defiant child
lost child
selfish child
jealous child
rageful child
awed child
needy child
guilty child
naive child
hurt child
loving child
creative child
good child
lusty child
aggressive child
infant / fetus