(what's the next step)
Last few months I have spent my time and resources on dealing with that "object of infatuation", but - Basically - dealing with myself, as always.
Before I met him, I had set my self the goal to learn surrender, to learn to love without asking anything in return.
Was it again a quest fueled by Guilt?
I don't know; and actually, as for now, it does not really matter what the motive was.
Now, few months later, the quest is over.
Yes, I have surrendered.
Yes, I did love, doing my best to minimise my wishes, my requests,
to survive solely on my longings and virtual crums he threw me.
The sky this morning is metalic gray and still. No wind. I am waiting for the sun; the whole morning I was waiting for the sun. Monotonouse music on my comp. Brain waves sounds electro sounds mimicking ongoing violins, or citars.
Discovering I am The Tin Man, who was looking for a heart.
Yeeeee
Understanding, feeling, recognizing, each time anew, over and over again: there is nothing to be gained - you are already where you want to be.
Here, on the couch, under metalic sky, waiting, strugling for oxigene.
Surrender, devotedly, lovingly, deleting me. Me as I was known to me.
Conclusion: it worked; it failed.
On the couch; silent metalic sky; no sun; no rain.
Last few months I have spent my time and resources on dealing with that "object of infatuation", but - Basically - dealing with myself, as always.
Before I met him, I had set my self the goal to learn surrender, to learn to love without asking anything in return.
Was it again a quest fueled by Guilt?
I don't know; and actually, as for now, it does not really matter what the motive was.
Now, few months later, the quest is over.
Yes, I have surrendered.
Yes, I did love, doing my best to minimise my wishes, my requests,
to survive solely on my longings and virtual crums he threw me.
The sky this morning is metalic gray and still. No wind. I am waiting for the sun; the whole morning I was waiting for the sun. Monotonouse music on my comp. Brain waves sounds electro sounds mimicking ongoing violins, or citars.
Discovering I am The Tin Man, who was looking for a heart.
Yeeeee
Understanding, feeling, recognizing, each time anew, over and over again: there is nothing to be gained - you are already where you want to be.
Here, on the couch, under metalic sky, waiting, strugling for oxigene.
Surrender, devotedly, lovingly, deleting me. Me as I was known to me.
Conclusion: it worked; it failed.
On the couch; silent metalic sky; no sun; no rain.